


forget the poems of saints and ghosts (i'm the one i fear the most)

by Kaslyna



Category: Snowpiercer (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post Episode 1.07, Questioning questionable life choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26237728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaslyna/pseuds/Kaslyna
Summary: After Melanie kills Josie, she goes to Bennett for comfort-not absolution.
Relationships: Melanie Cavill & Bennett Knox, Melanie Cavill/Bennett Knox
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	forget the poems of saints and ghosts (i'm the one i fear the most)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I just thought this was a good idea?? Maybe?? I hope other people like it too.

Melanie let out a shaky breath as she steeled herself outside of Bennett’s door. She was pretty sure she was trembling all over as the day’s events fully caught up to her. All she knew was that she had spooked Javi enough that he was willing to take over Miles’ first night of engineer training and the helm. Next thing she knew, she was outside Bennett’s room, filled with a nervous energy so unlike her usual anxiety that she didn’t know how to deal with it. All she knew was that she didn’t want to be- _couldn’t be_ -alone right now, or worse, with Miles. Not after what she’d done.

Her knock was somehow both timid and frantic, and she winced at the sound of it. The door opened before she could announce herself, leaving her looking at Bennett. His expression shifted quickly from one of surprise to one of concern. She knew he was somewhat aware of her reasons behind promoting Miles so soon; she was not sure whether or not he was aware of what she’d done today.

“Hey,” he breathed, the concern morphing into confusion the longer she stood there saying nothing, “Mel?”

“I just,” she swallowed past the lump in her throat, “I need-”

“Come in,” he cut her off, wrapping his hand around her wrist to tug her inside, letting the door whoosh closed behind her.

“What’s the track talk about me today?” she asked, unsure of where to start.

“I heard you were looking for a tailie woman,” his brow furrowed, “Why? Did something happen?”

“I tortured her,” Melanie huffed out a small, hysterical laugh, “I took her finger. Someone froze her hand and she freed herself. She died in the fight when I left her in the hospitality office with the hose going.”

“Jesus Christ,” he sighed, but did not let go of where he was still holding onto her.

“I really am a monster,” her voice was empty, her eyes staring into the space behind his shoulder, “It made me sick-literally-but I still did it. Oh God.”

“Mel…” he whispered her name, and she finally looked at his face.

“You don’t have to tell me that what I did was justified, or that you forgive me,” her voice shook now as she struggled to hold back tears.

“What do you need?” he asked quietly.

“Can you just… hold me? Please?” she whimpered a little as the tears finally came.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Yeah, I can do that.”

She exhaled unsteadily at that. Something tight inside her chest loosened. He would not offer her absolution she couldn’t accept-that she didn’t deserve-but he would offer her the comfort she needed. As always, Bennett understood her completely without her having to say anything, and she knew that if he judged her for what she had done, he would not say it. It was a harsh world now, after all-one that often had no room for black and white morality.

His touch was gentle as he pulled her sweatshirt up and off. Melanie removed her own pants and shoes, and squirmed her way out of her bra without removing the shirt she’d worn underneath her hoodie. He was already undressed for bed, she realized as her brain slowly caught up to what was happening. He walked to his bed without looking back, trusting her to follow. She did, and crawled in next to him. His arms were around her in an instant, pulling her to his chest.

“How did it come to this?” she murmured the question into his skin. Her breath hitched as his fingers dipped slightly underneath the hem of her shirt to trace featherlight patterns across the skin at the small of her back, a soothing rhythm that was, somehow, making the exhaustion she felt catch up to her enough to make her sleepy.

“We all make choices, Mel,” his reply was soft with sleep, and when she looked up at his face he was staring at the ceiling, “Sometimes we cross lines that can’t be uncrossed. All we can hope for is that it was worth it.”

She laughed bitterly against his skin, “I’m not sure that it was, Ben.”

“Look at me,” he told her, and she did, “I won’t pretend that this doesn’t disturb me. But I know exactly who you are, and I’ve always accepted you as is. I still do.”

“What if I go too far?” she was crying again now, “What if this wasn’t the worst thing I’ll ever do?”

“You can’t know that one way or another,” he conceded, “But the fact that you’re this upset about it tells me that it probably won’t happen again.”

Melanie ruminated on the point for a while as the hand under her shirt ghosted further up her spine and back down again, trying to calm her through his touch against her bare skin. She wasn’t sure that his logic was entirely sound, but she appreciated the sentiment nevertheless. She moved one of her legs between his in a selfish attempt to get even closer. Bennett used the hand on her back to pull her so she was draped half on top of him. She pushed up as best she could, letting their eyes meet and searching his for a long moment. Then she leaned down and lightly brushed her lips against his, lingering for a bit before returning to her previous position.

“Thank you,” she mumbled.

“Always,” he responded, and shifted awkwardly to kiss the top of her head as best he could. She sighed, eyes fluttering shut as his hand returned to stroking the skin of her back.

“I’m scared of myself most of the time,” she admitted, so long after they’d last spoken he’d half thought she’d fallen asleep.

“I know,” he whispered into the dark, and after a beat added, “Try to get some sleep, Mel. I’ve got you if you have nightmares.”

She kissed his skin where she could reach, somewhere around the base of his neck, “And I’ve got you.”

He chuckled a little at that, wrapping his arm around her tighter, continuing to brush along her spine, memorizing the familiar dips and curves of her back through touch rather than sight. Bennett knew the exact moment she finally drifted off; the tension in her body melted, her breath evening out against the skin of his neck. He kissed the top of her head again and she made a soft noise in her sleep.

It didn’t take long for him to join her, even in spite of his concerns.

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like I was walking a tightrope writing this, because I really wanted to humanize Melanie-she was clearly having some kind of a breakdown that got worse and worse through the episode-but also what she did was awful, and I didn't want that to be forgotten. So hopefully I didn't fall off that tightrope and that other people understand what I was attempting to do here lol.
> 
> If you wanna talk to me about Snowpiercer, I'm amandarosewater on Tumblr. :)


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